Wednesday, March 11, 2015

ATL and New Horizons... Do you trust Doctors?

What is more refreshing than honesty?
Honestly, nothing.

I wrote in my last blog that I would try to write once a week. Here I am over a month later giving my words and heart to this keyboard and I have no new news to offer you other than my pent-up honesty.

I am swishing coconut oil in my mouth after having listened to my ump-teenth podcast on leaky-gut syndrome. I have been health obsessed for many years of my life, (probably to the point of it being unhealthy) and recently this obsession has had me reaching out beyond the internet world to get some support from real doctors.

Duh duh duh!
Yes the lab coats, big words, big bills and the whole works.
I have been having weird stomach issues for a few years now, but I have not taken the time to really sit down with DR. to explain my stuff and get their perspective on my PERSONALIZED care agenda.

I have been self diagnosed and self treating with every suppliment, organic food, bone broth, super food, bio-hacking coffee experiments, enima extraordianres, probiotics, tumeric, ginger, teas, and cleanses to try to reduce the pain I feel in my stomach... gross discomfort after every meal.

Yes, after every meal I feel some sort of discomfort ranging from a slight pressure in my belly to outright ripping at the seams intestinal expansions towards death until I am curled in a ball in pain and tears.

I had an experience while in Bolivia this past Fall when I was laying down in child's pose on my sleeping bag while the students and other instuctors were out visiting with the families in the rurual homestay where we were remaining for the next few days. One of my male instuctores came in and gave me a gruff "hey, get your shit together" kind of remark... so I did what I always do. I sucked up the pain, hid my discomfort behind a smile, slouched my body to take some of the pressue off of my gut, and did my work.

Two years of functioning this way have left me in the state I am in for the past few months... tired of feeling sick.

So I am here. In Atlanta. Without many friends, or distractions and I guess now more than ever is the time. I found a holistic medical center ...  and I am going big.

Officially my first work with them is this upcoming Tuesday, where we are going to start with some blood work, and my first step towards fidning out what is actually happening with my body.

Then from there, I do not know. Allergies? Leak-GUT? Small intestial bacterial overgrowth? H-Pylori? Parasites? Just needing to find out more... to have some answers for this chronic pain.

I have never trusted doctors. But now, it seems I need more help than online blogs and suppliments from amazon can give me. I will let you know how it goes...

Wednesday, January 21, 2015

2015. You look hot.

It is funny, sitting here, writing again. I have been writing for the past 7 months (I swear!), just not sharing as openly as I have in the past. One fatty lesson gleaned from my blogging and social media-ing: once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it’s almost impossible to get it back in. Not to say that my honesty will wain, or that I am gone from sharing my deepest truths in vulnerable, real, and vibrant ways. I am just learning some WISDOM around what to share, about whom, and with whom. 

Needless to say, I have missed you. I am sitting at a Coffee Bean in Rancho Cucamonga, California after a full month of being back in my hometown. I just passed the 3 months prior in South America,  as an instructor for a Gap-Year/Study Abroad program called Where There Be Dragons. Yea, rad. (

That’s almost funny. 
I turned 29 on the 29th of November this year. 
Spent the day in hot springs under the gaze of the giant mountain Apu Asungate in Peru. 

2014 force fed me all of my shadows. And more are still coming out of the woodwork. Saturn Returns my friends. It is this time in our lives when we actually have to stop saying that we are responsible and actually BE responsible. Or at least that has been my experience thus far. 

Money issues, relationship with time, respecting my own boundaries, and creating boundaries in relationships, understanding what sex really means to me, and how important it is to have a fine tube of red lipstick have been the highlights of my current learning. 

And the tide that moves it all, authenticity. 
Yea. That crap load of a lesson where you can’t tell me what to do, that book can’t tell me what to do, and my mother sure as heck doesn’t have a clue what to tell me. It is me. It’s me and my heart and my womb and my ass on the line because this is the one precious gift we have been given; this life, and this personal honing system to guide us to what we are supposed to do with it called BLISS. 

So this is the beginning. Again. 
The first chapter of the never ending story. 
Consider this blog a warm up. 
I am thinking of shooting for the freakin’ stars and saying I will write once a week. 
I hope to see you next week. 

So far, 2015 is looking pretty hot. 



Monday, June 16, 2014

the dragon awakens.

there is a tingling in my belly. 

a nervous laughter. a pre-orgasmic rumble. 

and bubbling up and down my arms. 

she is awakening. 

this dragon that has been living in my right side. 
the fear of time and space and containers. the fear of letting out the raging tiger who can no longer stand for this sexism we call "understanding culture" 

the classism of certain people having access to medicine and legal support and voting voice... and others not. 
she is awakening. she is growing. as i breathe in the fresh air and absorb the golden rays that beckon my tanning skin. 

i awaken. i awaken the anger that is sadness that is the rape of me. 

of my mother earth and i say to you my sons and daughters and brothers and sisters and teachers and mothers and fathers and wise wise wise old souls. 

it is time to play. for big. for reals. for love. for our hearts. for our bodies. for our land.i am not your enemy. i am the queen of the underworld persephone personified that you do not dare to love. for fear that you will get stuck down here...i dare you to look deeply.and love with all of your soul the part of you that you have been trying to avoid 

for. far. to. long. 

for it is here in the *hummus* the dark murky pre-spring post winter melting of snow into spouts into mushy ground wet dirt under my stomping boots of depth and death that you will find your deep, dark, beautiful, living, sustainable treasure. your service. your gift. your medicine. for yourself. and the planet. 

keep breathing. 


keep digging. 

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

trust yourself to trust yourself.

you do. 
trust your body. 
trust your heart. 
to make the decision and move forward. 
dance with the decision. 
and delight in the results... 

Thursday, May 22, 2014

episode 11: upax, the lesson of the subtle.

“Nothing is worth more than laughter. It is strength to laugh and to abandon oneself, to be light. Tragedy is the most ridiculous thing.” -Frida Kahlo

Frida Kahlo is one of my heroes. 
An artist who spent most of her life in physical pain from an accident she had at 16, this woman was an unabashed, unapologetic, and audacious. 

I was called this recently. 
It evoked a sense of pride... and also pain. 
Yea, I am audacious... and the way it was said... 

I must admit, there is very little I actually KNOW KNOW. 
When I write it is more to explore themes of life, 
rather than to declare a knowing about someone, or something. 

It has recently been pointed out to me that some things that I have written have felt very condescending to those about whom the writing was written. 

I have to make fun of myself here. 

Maybe it is ego-mania to write about MY experience. 
The question was also reversed that if someone wrote about ME, maybe not using my name (one of my newest personal policies unless I run the blog/post by the named person first) how would I feel? 
A critique of me... out there for the public to see?
Without asking me?
Maybe with some comments that I felt just were not true, poorly represented, or just plain lies? 


theoretically I wanted to say, 
"YEA! Anyone can write what they want and put it out there..." 

But that did not feel good in my stomach. 
It felt like a deep pit of gooooop. 

It has been brought to my attention that I have written some things that have hurt some people. 
Even though these writings, in my perspective came from a place of exploring, and not to directly hurt, or critique the person. 

My perceptive in inherently incomplete and riddled with my own stories, ideas, concepts, realities, beliefs and truths. I have a loud voice and I have a deep love for communication and well, an audience. 

And there is my giant paradox. 
Like a pimple on a super models face. 
I have studied human behavior, communication and connection. 
And I still can be super insensitive, self-centered focused, and I can lash out irrationally. 

Still human. 
With a pulse and bullshit. 

So Frida. 
She also loved the subtle. 
The smaller colors.
Along with the bold. 

My lesson right now is to dance with the subtle. 
The magic of the small. 
The beauty of the listening and not just having the answer. 
The letting go of the dream of the big show... all the time. 
Shock factors and razzle dazzle can be for the stage. 
In my life, I have to learn how to feel my way through these smaller connections, especially if I want to be able to develop a sensitive and loving community. 

I admit that I can come bashing into world's like Gulliver through the land of the Lilliputians. A Giant smashing into the small subtleties of relationships, connections, deep love, deep pain. 

My family arrives in Costa Rica today. 
What a perfect time to practice being with the subtleties. 
And to go with the flow. 

It is painful to feel like I have hurt others. 
It sucks to think that part of my journey includes to possibility of loosing people as I learn how to be more gentle with myself, my words, my expressions, and my loves. 

I graduate tomorrow. 
What a ride. 

Tuesday, May 13, 2014

let's create more beauty.

i like writing in response. 
to a question.
to a statement.
to feeling you now, reading this. 
there is something about dancing in conversation that turns me on. 
so, here is a little ditty about creating more beauty... 

friend: I really like that you mentioned "balance." I feel it is a critical part and something I know almost nothing about. Sometimes I feel that, if everyone in the world could learn to be calm and peaceful, the world would transition into calmness and peace.

me: this just touched my heart. 

in a very deep way. 
firstly because you, like many of us, 
are acknowledging that we really have no idea what  a balanced life would be. 
we have noticed that lives seem to be confusingly OUT of balance. 

that there is a very felt sense of something oddly and *unnaturally* 

out of balance.

i do not have any real answers for this phenomenon. 

but i do have many questions worth investigating. 
at least that is how i have been living. 

like the questions i have about my and others happiness is relevant precisely because there is so much to distract me from happiness. 

and to point me to working for something else... 

when the real thing i search for is my own centered-ness and my own sense of self and belonging to everyone and in love with everyone and connected to nothing at the same time. 

i am not sure if any of this is true. 

but when i feel it.
alive and connected to everything which is nothing
i am free. 
and i care. 
and i give a shit. 
and i want to do really awesome shit with this precious thing called life. 

i think there is something there. 

and i want to ask more questions. 
i want to live more experiments. 
i want to put into practice some theories.
about feeling deeply, pain and pleasure. 
highest and depths. 
and something about art. 
yes. definitely art.
and good food. 
and great sex. 
and good relationships with family members that i don't always agree with.
but finding a way to make life good, i mean really good, with them too. 

that the belief that this has to hurt

and this has to be agonizing.
is really old school.
and i want to laugh more. 
and create more beauty. 
with the best people on the planet. 
and i believe that is enough to ask. 
fully. with others that i love and really really admire.

Tuesday, May 6, 2014

how to "not take things personally"

my soul tribe includes some of the wisest cats in town. 
{ancient magician masters they are} 
so i asked them the following question on facebook: 
**curious & learning: what is your personal practice of "not taking things personally?"**

there responses follow: 
Like ·  · 

  • Honeybee  Briana, this is coming up for me today a lot (both with clients and myself). I keep bringing myself back to the moment, back to self love, and loving kindness toward myself. I trust that everyone's curriculum is their own. Sometimes I trigger the Beejeezus out of people. And as long as I know in my heart that I am doing the best that i can, stay humble, be kind....that is all I can ask of myself. Definitely a work in progress
    3 hrs · Unlike · 2
  • Diana  I look at the situation as detached as possible. 
    The way I was able to shift this one about 15years ago was to ask my self "if this was (X person, and I think of someone who's respond to something like that I admire) how would (s)he respond to this?"
    3 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Elizabeth Lately, I just sing the song "Let It Go" from the movie Frozen.
    2 hrs · Unlike · 2
  • Brian  Everything EVERY time something someone generates a reaction in me, it's my reaction, my opportunity to expand to include whatever "it" is. Something to be greatful for.
    2 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Ryan I try to remember that everyone is fighting their own struggles, and when they take things out on me; it is likely they are lashing out about something else - and I should feel honored that they find me patient enough to unload all of their problems onto...
    2 hrs · Unlike · 2
  • Katie I ditto Ryan's answer. 
    Chances are if someone lashes out, it's because of something in their own life, not me.
    Though definitely it is sometimes me - I quickly scan what was said to see if anything resonates within me, to see if there is any truth to it. Often times for me it is the things that my mind shies away from or brushes off that I need to pay most attention to.
    2 hrs · Unlike · 2
  • Luna We are all just reflections so we are constantly bringing stuff up in one another, that's why we've called each other in and when we're committed to the work we look at what's coming up in us and trust that everyone else will do the same in their own time
    2 hrs · Unlike · 3
  • Dillon Compassion for ignorance
    2 hrs · Unlike · 1
  • Tomás vipassana
    1 hr · Unlike · 2
  • Lisa  doing my best to remember that everything is just "God in the form of_______."
    1 hr · Unlike · 1
  • Elizabeth Here's something worth listening by Byron Katie...why not to take things personally because it's just a projection of your imagination...
    1 hr · Unlike · 1 · Remove Preview
  • Cindy Lots of breathing and curiosity - towards myself and for others.
    42 mins · Unlike · 1
  • Briana Love Cavion wow. thank you all for sharing. looking forward to hearing more and going deeper with this question. this post shall be published.
  • Briana Love Cavion what about when you are in a COMMUNITY that is not committed to personal work? how do you manage to keep your non-projections, not taking it personally self in line? do you stick around until your work there is done? or get out of there and find your tribe asap? or find a middle ground...?
  • Elizabeth I think that by virtue of the human experience, no matter what the community, whether evident or not, we ALL do personal work all the time...we cannot judge or assume that other types of communities on what we project to think personal work is or is not or if we think someone else isn't doing their personal work...I have many different tribes..been part of different in Europe, improv, triathlon, film, Santo Daime...I learn & grow from each one...because each one I was led to by glorious divine order to live and enjoy my life. Europe was about travel and seeing the world, Improv was about laughter (& creativity), triathlon was about perseverance by transforming into an athlete, film is about creation, etc. Each gave me a new perspective of my life and taught me to be a little less fearful, instead embracing fearlessness. We also have to remember that our beliefs create our reality so break out that mirror because we've (I've) created our (my) oh so gorgeous (RED) unIverse! Wow, isn't life just so incredibly beautiful??? It makes me want to sing out with JOY! Sometimes I think that if we get too caught up in thinking that we have to constantly do personal/shadow work all the time, then we forget to just enjoy the ride and let the personal work take care of itself...divinely. Let It Go, Let It Go...
    3 mins · Like
    • Keri If someone had a criticism of you, even if it MIGHT be true, or if someone expresses frustration and tension w you, even if you're being difficult, know, first, that their reaction reflects where they are broken. And we're all broken and trying to fix ourselves. Or if you are taking it personally that you're not getting a response. That's tougher for me than the other, because I don't know. Nothing is expressed, so I have to battle w my own mind and guesses. But just as it's so hard to not know, it's as simple as, "well, I just don't know"... So shift focus. When or if you come back to it you may have a different perspective.
      9 hrs · Edited · Unlike · 1
    • Nadya It's a choice. It's knowing that it's not about you, but about them. It's loving all for who they are and trusting that they exactly where they need to be in their process & not imposing your POV unless they're ready. It's all perfect anyway. The four agreements is a nice reminder of that.
      9 hrs · Unlike · 1
    • Jessie wine
      9 hrs · Unlike · 2
    • Brett  The Four Agreements
      Rooted in traditional Toltec wisdom beliefs, four agreements in life are essenti...See More
      21 mins · Edited · Unlike · 1 · Remove Preview
    • Briana Love Cavion one of my favorite books