Tuesday, April 22, 2014

episode 9. peace in the home? feed me radical honesty. learning my requirements for conscious, co-creative communities.

"beyond our ideas of right and wrong, there is a field. 
i'll meet you there" - rumi 

there is nothing more beautiful that that clearing.
after someone finally tells the truth.
a harboring resentment.
a story of their own suffering at the cause of my "irresponsibility"
let us all begin to stand up
and be radically honest.
give it to me.
with grace. compassion. the desire to connect.
acknowledgment & consciousness of your own role.
empowered with the desire to create the peace we
say we want to see on this planet.
i acknowledge it can be difficult to name
a truth, a resentment,
an unaddressed need.
keep doing it.

a housemate of mine approached me this morning. she had to clear something that has been on her heart. something that she had shared with me before. it was awkward. i had yoga to do, homework to still read, coffee to make, breakfast to prepare, and a hula hoop that was feeling neglected. the last thing i wanted to do was talk about how much she thought that i was not sweeping the floors. 

but she came to me. and i honor that. 
and she shared her frustration that she has talked to me several times about her need to have a clean space, in a certain way. and though i am not of the same opinion, either because i am used to writing out schedules, or i just don't care that much about clean floors, i really respected that she came to me. again. so i wrote out a schedule for those of us who share the space to share the responsibilities. 

she reminded me of several things today. 
1. don't take anything personally.
 though she came to me in frustration, i could breathe and know that it wasn't about me personally, but about her needs not getting met. i could then co-create a solution with her. 
writing a schedule for cleaning. 

2. share frustration, especially if you live with others. 
the sooner the better. 
then have concrete solutions. this could have been more ease-fully navigated if we would have made a cleaning schedule 6 months ago. 
she has come to me a few times, but in an emotional way. nothing was established afterwards. and she was not willing to take responsibility for her role in the household of creating the dirtiness of resentment towards those of us who were not cleaning. i sharing with her that a dirty heart space is more contaminating to me than dirty floors. 

3. as leaders, it is important for us to create systems that work for the greater whole of our community, however big or small. 
i can see where systems can go in place. i am learning how to search for a common ground, and co-create systems that work for all the players involved. therefore, it is vital and exciting for me to gracefully step up into a role that can envision a comfortable living and co-creation space for all those involved. 

at the end of the story it is important for us to remember the practice of radical honesty, especially about frustrations must be shared if you want to continue to have relating with that person that does not propagate more violence. 

i highly suggest reading radical honesty especially if you ever want to live in a community. 
i am now learning that i have to live with others who are committed to:  
1. being responsible for their own experiences, their projections, their egos and their shadows. we have a communal process for communicating and processing this work of co-living and co-creating. 
2. knowing how to access ask for what they want and how to identify their needs. 
3. serving their highest good in the context of the greater whole and community.  

with compassionate radical honesty, i have found that 
it is the one of the best ways to find your heart, and to be in intimate relations with others
in the craziness of the mind/media/story of who.we.think.we.are chatter.

Monday, April 21, 2014

shine on.

since 2 full moons ago,
i have found myself unable to hold my shine back.
unable and unwilling.
i'm speaking what i feel. 
in the MOMENT when i feel it! (ekk, even when it is not pretty!) 
seaeking out the support i want and need. 
eating what i really enjoy. 
making love the way i want to. 
creating more art. 
asking for what i REALLY want. 
yea, what's not even on the menu at times. 

shining brightly in my truth,
i have found that i can rub people the wrong way.
it forces them to look at how they deal with their own power, their own relationships, 
and their own friendships. 

it is incredible to watch as some of my friends & loves stand up,
and stand by me.
while others drop out (my opinion) or choose another path.
shining brightly in the dark reveals my own shadows to the light,
which can be embarrassing and sometimes horrifying.
always liberating. 

this shine can also reveal the shadow of others.
which i have found can simultaneously turn them on and scare the shit out of them. i am learning how to be responsible with my shine, while also not making it my job to navigate other's experiences of my experience.
balance. grace. joy and learning.
how is your shine work going this moon cycle?

Monday, April 7, 2014

episode 8. love, joy and the paradox of peace. enjoy poverty.

today, in my theatre class, a student mentioned something about an organization that they began.
we were right in the middle of a discussion about a song we are singing in our performance.
in this song, we make indirect fun of "peace keepers" and various forms of "help" organizations.

i mean, it is worth some serious mentioning that good intentions often go awry when there is little or no space for reflection and questioning.

we, as UPEACER'S and as self-identified "helpers" in this world, we MUST ask- is the exporting of goods and services to "needy" places actually doing any good?

without truly listening to what we were saying -- she exclaimed, somewhat defensively--
"BUT! we help people!"

i could feel her heart.
she began to narrate how she works with "impoverished"
families in a traditionally identified global south area of the world...
meanwhile, another student chimed in that she works in her own country.
so she cannot be doing anything wrong.
both students truly believe that they are "doing good."

{in that moment, i really wanted to say, if poor people didn't exist anymore,
what would you do with your life then? i digressed and took a deep breath}

and i am sure that part of what they are doing is "good."
i am NOT saying that we should't act and serve others.
that from a place of love, and seeing all of us in our human family that we serve the needs of others.
but to judge that what we have, is what they need... it get's sticky.

and in this case, for these students, personally and communally, at least in my interactions with them,
have refused to look at their roles as "helpers" in terms of power relationships.

"helping" those "in need" REQUIRES a self-refection of power relationships if they work is going to be effective for the long term, and truly beneficial for those on the "receiving" end of the "help."
otherwise, one is just playing into the role of the victim (the helped)
the rescuer (the helper) and the perpetrator (poverty, the system, stupid americans, colonization etc).
i made a video about the "triangle of ego in the foundation of our current system" that you can access here.

whether we are "helping" those in other countries, or in our own...
in the americas or in africa... we HAVE to be willing to look at our own role.
i am now more willing to look at my own role as wanting to "help" "them" in some way.
what does that even mean?
why do i feel the need to do that?
what is the most effective move here?
is there anything i am running from, or running towards, that would just make this "help" a manifestation of my ego?

then, there is another perspective. the one that says "help" just ain't helping.
though i do not agree with everything she says,
academic and economist dambisa moyo has a fascinating perspective on "stop sending aid to africa"

anytime we notice we "have," be it education, medicine, food, or access, and "they do not"
and we want to "help them"
it is a highly evolved,
and an effective practicum {for our own work, and for the equality of all}
to have a space for self and community reflection.

watch a bit about the documentary "enjoy poverty" here.
which explores more about power relationships, and the business of poverty.

there will be more on this subject in the future.

remember, the original conundrum is thinking there is a good and bad.
that there is a "who is helpless" and "who can help" in some fixed form.
the ego feeds on the triangle of victim--rescuer--perpetrator.

this is an illusion that has been created to support our
current geo.political socio.economic paradigm of poverty fed insomnia.
wake up to your life.
they are not poor.
you are not help.
that is not evil.
you, i, and we are always all of, and more than, these. three. categories.

as in all of my writing & learnings,
this is not about me teaching these students the "right" way.
or even about me really knowing what i am talking about here.
this here, is one way to inspect the aspects that i, myself that might be using one 3 roles in my current work/life, and/or running away from or running towards something other than what is presenting itself as my highest heart joy.

another form of humble reflection, for myself, others selves, and the world herself.  

i already am. spoken word poem.

Sunday, April 6, 2014

addicted poem.

listen here now

i am an addict. 
addicted to that feeling of connection

when there is an opening
like kittens eyes on the second day after birth
blinking and squirming in the new found sensation of LIGHT

like the san diego sea clouds around 11am. 
opening. blooming to reveal their underskirts of a perfect blue bird day

like a deep love*crush's smile when upon noticing. 
teeth press against lips hearts pounding eyes fleeting contact heat in the chest & wetness in the palms & at the meeting of thighs. 

it is re-creation. 
it is the intoxication of life. 

i have tasted. it is the way to be alive now

Sunday, March 30, 2014

episode 7 ~ the sutra of saturn returns.

 •learning to love through this saturn returns•

it has been one of those weeks. 
here i am, in the middle of my saturn returns
which i am breathing deeply into... 
learning how to survive the ages of 28-32

if you want to find out when your saturn return starts, 

you can use this calculator here


i am seeing some ugly. ass. shit. of myself. 
no beating up here, it just is. 

the continuing themes include: 

seeing all of the shadow, 
that which i have been trying to hide, 
in the "spotlight" if you will. 
around money, power, sex, relationships
and commitment. 
as the saturn sister's name it, 
"the saturn cycle: archetypes of maturity, mortality, and the seasons of life" 

i am writing this not for sympathy, but more to remind myself that i a human. 

and sometimes, my humanness has brought pain to others. 
it is a space for reflection, sharing, and ultimately bringing wholeness anything that i have displaced as "wrong", "evil", or unloveable. 
it is all me. it is all lovable. it is all love. 

and i take all of these lessons as a big reminder that i am not a "perfect savior" by any means. 

i am not here to fix, save, or perfect others {or myself}. 
this journey is infinite energy experiencing this humanness. 
acknowledging this while also being
response-able for my actions past, present, and future. 

to see my patterns, with love and a wow-ness. 
without judgement. 

it can still hurt. 

especially when i see how my refusal to take responsibility, 
or selfish focus has resulted in a process of pain for another. 

i also had a dear friend {athena from arkansas} remind me this morning that my essence, 

is good, that that no decision, or action could ever change that. 

a late night skype session with my sister-friend zoe in sedona reminded me that there are ego-grips on my system that i have not been willing to look at, and this moment, these feelings of pain and sadness afford me an amazing opportunity to go there! see that! be one with that too! 

and, that essentially, i am ok. 

that all is well. 
and that is all i need to remember from this. 

so i am writing to remind myself of my resources, 

and also to share that during saturn returns, it is a time to know myself 
{even as a selfish asshole, aka human, not a divine savior} 
in the light and beauty of the goodness of my infinite soul. 

so here are some helpful treasures i have found during this time
or darkness exploring, and well, feeling the pain.


calling in the forces. 
ancestors, guides, the inner voice as the best friend. 
my real best friend (she lives in shanghi) 
my friends around me. 
for reflection of the experience of me, 
to remind me that i am going to get through this, 
intact (and hopefully with tact!) 


know what else is going on in the universe and the world. 
astrology has supported me in making the relationships 
and understanding what is within me, and what is showing up around me. 
mystic mama is my favorite website for this. 
here is the most recent update about the new moon in aries
good. and wow. 


never compare yourself to anyone else. 
this one comes directly from gala-darling's website. 

"No matter what stage you’re at right now, that is the exact place you should be. We all move, grow & mature at different times, but that doesn’t make any of us better or worse than one another. Someone may have their career all figured out but their relationships are a mess, while you might have your spirituality on lock but haven’t learned to save any money yet. It’s okay. You’ll get there. Take it one day at a time. 


i am learning that when i say a yes to something i can't follow through on, 
or that i don't really plan to follow up/through with, 
it is a lot less painful for me, 
and for THEM to just say no. 
the result of proper "no's" for me is FREEDOM TIME ... 
which leads me to my next point. 


bordom is a gift. 
thank you for this one zoe. 
it is the quiet spaces between my homework, 
art projects, making love, running, yoga-ing, that there is space. 

unplanned. space. 
in this space i get to feel what i really feel. 
{something i am known for avoiding, or distracting myself from}. 
about myself. 
about others. 
about the world. 
and i have the space and the silence to feel if there is something i want to do.

i have often been afraid of space. 

of silence. 
my inner voice recordings have been… mean. 
and with the recent reflections, and deeper connecting to well, 
my love, my heart

i am reminded that all is well. 
and so am i. 
even in my mistakes, i am well. 

it is in the silent no-planned spaces i can let bubble up what is really wanted. 

it was in a silent space this morning that i was inspired to write this. 


unconditional love begins with me. 
i can only feel it from others,
if i am willing to give it to myself. 
from others it can help heal the parts of me that i "do not love"... yet. 
AND - i can only receive the love that i feel like i deserve. 

my heart is a container that can always expand. 

i have sooo many stories about how i have not been truly, 
unconditionally loved. 
which really, is just an experience of myself not noticing 
the BIGNESS of my heart, afraid to receive the love. 

i have been afraid of being able to respond to the deep love that others have for me. 
and the deep love that i have for you. 

so in this shadow sharing, 

i am learning to love the parts of me that i have considered unloveable.
i extend unconditional love to me. right now. 
and i realize that i have always had this capacity, 
and even this feeling of unconditional love. it is from this place that my inner voice,
my inner compass shares with me. 


say yes. 
to what i/you love. 
i said yes. 
and now i am back on the stage
you may or may not know, but i LOVE the stage. the spotlight. the theatrical. 

i am in an amazing class right now called theatre and reconciliation with two genius women who don't 
"do healing"... but lead us on a journey of authentic wholeness. 

{which i love to keep reminding them IS healing....} 

my Belgian professor yells, says it's NOT healing, and calls me "california" 
"everyone from california is obsessed with healing!

the class laughs. 
i do too. 
learning the freedom to laugh at myself with others is so liberting. 

last one, i promise.
matthew S, in an nlp sesh we had recently, 
shared the breathing practice of tonglen as taught by pema chodron
simple. sweet. and has helped me SO much recently 
as i dance with my shadow on self reveal saturn returns wildness.  


breath in the pain, the hurt, the discomfort. 
breath out unconditional loving kindness for myself. 

you can do it for self, or for someone else who is hurting. 

so there it is. 

im going through it. 
money. power. relationships. 
being my own best friend. 
stepping up and showing up when i said i would. 
and when i can't, or am not called to, to share that honestly as well. 


Monday, March 10, 2014

episode 6. performance heART, love•activism,1 billion rising & the vagina monologues

it is a funny thing, to make the decision to show up, 110% 
all of me, and more. 
push myself, lean into, breathe into, be into what i am becoming as i become it. 
that is performance art. 
to say yes to what brings me deep joy
and to say no to what feels "off" out of place, or just not that alive for me. 

recently, this has led me on a path of telling my deep truths, dancing, and being on stage. 
not a big surprise, but it has been over six years since i have come out from behind the curtain. 

it began in december, when i held the first meeting for those interested in TVM- the vagina monologues. 

i wanted to make sure this performance was available for those involved to begin the process of understanding themselves more deeply. whatever happened after that was just fringe benefits. 

so we took it on. v-day and more. 

we went to San Jose, the capitol city, and FLASH MOBBED (dance with a purpose)
in the main square. you can see more about this video here- 

yeah. i was interviewed. check it out. it is sweet. even though he misquotes me. 

we then performed our flash mob at the peace race at UPEACE. 

on march 7th i was a leader in a ritual to honor the grieving of mother earth. 
this event was held at upeace. 

i was honored to stand with other women from around the globe and connect with our hearts, wombs, and our mother to celebrate our strength, beauty, and also the grieving we all feel, everyday. 

then came the day. saturday • 8 march 2014•
in spanish. 
part of this work is about creating a bridge with our greater costa rican community. 

we held the performance in town- the first time UPEACE had 
ever done the vagina monologues off of UPEACE property. 
we had over 180 guests attend. 
filled the theatre. 
standing ovation. 

i am still amazed. 
social butterfly with a purpose- i called myself. 

pre show. 
we met every tuesday for cunt communities. 
where we shared, played, and made art about different themes of sex, sexuality, identity, gender, vision for our world, gender equality, how to involve the men, what is woman?, patriarchy, abuse. 

the sexy • beautiful • powerful women of the vagina monologues 
post show. 
14 girls. 7 countries. 2 languages. 
1 crazy social butterfly with a purpose feeling our common heart beat. 
i did this among having crazy stomach issues, 
a difficult and trying conversation with the university about my student standing, 
while shifting relationships
figuring out what my next steps are
writing a thesis
falling in love (ok, when am i NOT doing that!!) 
and going to school full time. 

performance heARTist. love activist. 
here we go. 
i want to thank heather our amazing director. 
lisa for organizing and being an inspiration for cunt communities. 
kim for your visual magic and for being a personal loving support to me. 
to all the performers for bringing the best version of themselves to play. now and always. 
to the many MEN who supported us along the way. 
to v-day for the work that they continue to do and inspire. vday.org. 
to upeace administrators for being just the way they are.
you are teaching me to be awesome under fire. 
to upeace faculty for inspiring me to reach further and breathe deeper. 
to you, my friends and family. 
that continue to keep me in your prayers. 
while i journey in this phase of my life. 
in central america, in the center of my heart. 
i love you. 

i love this one. from my long time friend•mentor•love - matthew bloom. 
thank you for always reminding me how beautifully you see me. 

i love all of you. 


Tuesday, December 3, 2013

underground wall. poem.

maybe he left it there for me. 
this poem on the underground wall. 

it was there for all to see
red graffiti letters answering a call. 

from deep within his heart
the blood it could not stay inside

so out it burst against the bricks 
for me to see and imbibe: 

he said:
“don’t waist you hate
rather gather and create
be of service
be a sensible person
use your words and don’t be nervous 
you can do this, you’ve got purpose 
find your medicine and use it.” 

and I sat. 
right where I stood, I sat. 
and I breathed. 

and i noticed tears streaming down my face 
like stains on the sheet you can’t erase 

a reminder that me being alive
was worth it. 
is worth it. 

we are worth it. 

Sunday, November 10, 2013

my true nature. poem.

they told me my nature was to be my best
i knew my nature was already perfection 

they told me that my nature was to compete
i knew my nature was to collaborate 

they told me my nature was to make lots of money
i knew my nature was to make lots of love

they told me that my nature was to want more more more!
i knew my nature was to grow grow grow 

they told me that my nature was to question everything
i knew my nature was to learn from everything

they told me my nature was evil. sinful. selfish.
i knew my nature was life. soulful. selfless. 

they told me i would follow always and be true to my kind
i knew that i was a leader and i am true to truth 

they told me my heart, body and mind belonged to them
i knew all was mine as creator. infinite. unconfined.

they told me many things 
i knew to be first with me 

they first thing they said to me 

i knew it was for my heart to measure

Friday, November 1, 2013

house of hydras. poem.

fighting with myself
that voice that tells me I’m not good enough

is a house of hydras

im stuck in my room
squeezed into the back corner 
by a multi headed snake 
that is coming for my throat
so I slash and I slash and I slash, 

only to see the ooze grow into more heads

more screaming dark heads
with gnashing teeth and slithering tongues 
and fangs that want to eat me!

what to do to kill this thing 
that is intent on killing me. 

so I breath. 
I close my eyes and I breathe. 

I muster up all the love I have for you. 
And instead of sending it your way,
I send it to this hydra. 

Send it into the heart of the hydra. 
“I do not know why you are here, 
and I love you. I love you. Thank you.”

And I repeat this I love you until my heart slows down. 
And I can open my eyes. 

I am alone, once again.